despite the rain,
despite the leaking chimney that I have lately been calling "an asshole" or a jerk,
despite being sick and needing antibiotics and missing the last two days of work before
our week's vacation,
(including the pizza party and the card giving and the wellwishing)
and now being groggy because of the antibiotics, making me feel even slower than normal, even more tired than I was, which then makes me anxious (is it happening again? what will ever become of me?) -
despite my bedroom being an un-cozy mess - because the of the chimney leaving a flood zone across it, and having to move things to higher ground or out of the room
despite feeling like my whole life is a mess - nothing where it is meant to be, goals and dreams from ten years ago abandoned, each day a new "adventure" of learning what anxiety and depression are going to teach me -
because it is the time of darkness and we all need to gather together around lights
because none of us know when we'll die, or what will become of our life
because of friends, on telephones. friends, offering visits and little presents.
because of "ninjabread" men that friends make.
because of tiny Christmas trees that one of the family mustered up the energy to get, cut down, bring in, decorate.
because of a family doctor who is busy, but yet kind, kind enough that I cry in his office.
despite the leaking chimney that I have lately been calling "an asshole" or a jerk,
despite being sick and needing antibiotics and missing the last two days of work before
our week's vacation,
(including the pizza party and the card giving and the wellwishing)
and now being groggy because of the antibiotics, making me feel even slower than normal, even more tired than I was, which then makes me anxious (is it happening again? what will ever become of me?) -
despite my bedroom being an un-cozy mess - because the of the chimney leaving a flood zone across it, and having to move things to higher ground or out of the room
despite feeling like my whole life is a mess - nothing where it is meant to be, goals and dreams from ten years ago abandoned, each day a new "adventure" of learning what anxiety and depression are going to teach me -
because it is the time of darkness and we all need to gather together around lights
because none of us know when we'll die, or what will become of our life
because of friends, on telephones. friends, offering visits and little presents.
because of "ninjabread" men that friends make.
because of tiny Christmas trees that one of the family mustered up the energy to get, cut down, bring in, decorate.
because of a family doctor who is busy, but yet kind, kind enough that I cry in his office.
because of a walk last week to the Bell Museum to take photos, in the windy dark with a full moon looming over the lake - and walking there, with my camera, I felt "this is who I am, this feels like ME".
because of all this. despite all of it, too. Merry Christmas. Out of darkness, into light. Let's go.
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