Thursday, August 5, 2010

my heart is my compass

I had a dream a few weeks ago - which could also have been two days ago, the way time is going around here - that I looked at myself in the mirror and I was naked. Between my breasts, over my heart, was a tattoo of a compass.

(I also had long hair in the dream, which happens often. I'll dream that I still have my long, long hair, which I don't at all right now - it's quite short. Then I'm awake and I wish I could just press a button and have my long hair back! But alas - it takes a good two years to really get it long, and involves all those awkward in-between stages. Sigh.)

Anyway. The idea of my heart being my compass has been like a talisman for me lately. It's really hard to learn how to trust yourself - really trust yourself, know that you've got your own back. That you'll catch yourself if you fall. And to trust that your own heart, and all your own feelings and emotions, is the compass, is the only thing you really need as you're sailing around, living, being.

This photo is of a compass from the 30's. It was on a boat that visited Baddeck last month, a boat called the Daegmar Aaen, from Germany. (Originally from another Scandinavian country which I forget. Finland, perhaps? Sweden?) I was able to go aboard and visit with the sailors, who had been to the marina to use our showers and laundry room. The vessel is all made of wood, it was really something else. Beautiful, solid. They make trips to the Arctic for science, and they use this cool old compass to navigate. (As well as all kinds of new-fangled devices.)

This week has been full on NUTS. It's Regatta Week in Baddeck, and we decided to host a radio remote broadcast during it. Meaning, 94.9 The Cape came up from Sydney and from 10 am to 2 pm yesterday broadcast from our marina! I was on air and everything, doing little chats with the DJ. "Yes, Don, we've got lots of specials on for Regatta Week..." That sort of thing. It was actually really fun - I like being on air, and I think I've got a good voice for it. But it was also nerve-wracking, as at the same time the store was full of people and I had to keep my eye on that.

And so I realized last night that I've reached my limit - of things on my plate - and recognizing this is always hard. It always involves getting FRUSTRATED and sad and angry, and crying a bit. (Once I get home - so far I haven't cried at work, at least not in front of people.) It's a hard emotional "storm" to go through, but then once you do, and you go out the other side, you've learned a little more how to use that compass. So I suppose - it's worth it.

My heart is my compass. I shall not want?

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