Sunday, June 5, 2005

going up to north river

In the midst of packing now, and going to move to North River in hour and a half. I'm a big mix of emotions: change always causes a bit of stress in me. It's been so busy this month that I've barely had time to just have time for me. That might sound selfish but I'm slowly working to feel that it is not. What I mean is, I like very much to please others, and saying no is hard for me, even though it might not seem it. I'm not talking about the trip to NJ (because that was lovely, relaxing, and fun) nor to Patti's graduation (wouldn't have missed it for the world!) but just little things like hanging out, going to someone's for dinner, etc, when what I really want to do is take a long walk by myself, take a nap, or read a book...a good pulpy one about murder and romance. Also, for some odd reasons, whether it be lingering low self-esteem, or just hearing more negative things about liberal arts than positive, I find it hard to value the work I do at school--and it is hard work: writing, researching, now that I am tired out from the high-stress of school, if I don't value it or see it as high-stress, than I come down on myself for feeling tired. See the vicious cycle?

Anyway. It's not so bad as all that--I'm still a very happy girl who loves and values her family and friends. But this month has gotten me down in some ways that I need to fix--by giving more time to me, to do only what I want with. As in, on my days off this summer, instead of feeling I must be as productive as possible, and perhaps visit someone or do something for someone else that isn't necessary, I might go to the river for the entire day, or pet the horses, or read...and then cook a leisurely, languorous meal.

Basically, replenish my well that has run dry.

So, yes. Also, posts will come fewer and farther between. I'm going into really rural territory, where the stars are bright at night, where the river is so clean you can drink from it, and where everyone knows everyone else's business..sometimes before they do!! It's going to be a good summer, I hope. Here goes!

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