happy new year - 2011!

I think I may have an addiction to Boggle. Have you ever played? The old-school version was a tray with a removable lid. This new version that I got for my brother for Christmas is twistable, so the lid lifts but doesn't come off. You shake the letters, then twist it back down again. Then you have three minutes to make words out of the letters. You form lines to make the words, and letters have to be next to each other, or diagonal. You can't use the same letter twice in one word. Here, you could make POO, LOO, OPT, SLOE, SLOT - and many more. No proper nouns, no abbreviations. It's so addictive! My family and I have been playing for hours and hours. Time goes by super fast when you're playing - and each round is over quickly. "Oh, just one more," we say. Before we know it, hours have gone by.

It's time for some hope, some good news, some cheer. Yes, the holidays have been difficult for me this year, and I'm not entirely sure why. (Although I have some ideas.) But - although that's life - it's not fun to read about. At least, not all the time. (I try to write somewhat about mental health issues - because I really believe that we should all remove the stigma from it, as much as we can. But it's also very personal - so I work to strike a balance between what is interesting to readers, what I'm comfortable with sharing, and what's relevant.)

I've remembered a tattoo that a friend of mine got once - dum spiro spero. "While I breathe, I hope." While I am here, alive, while there is breath in my body to go forward with, I will go forward. I will hope, I will believe in the goodness of people. In surprises, the surprises that life always has in store.

2010 - was the year of getting my first car. Driving to Halifax all by myself. Getting the job at the marina. Leaving the library. Writing more - but also realizing it was time to end the Writers' Group I had started, and continue on with three other writers as a smaller, private group. For the first time since leaving university three years ago - and taking time to recover from illness - I had a full-time job again. In fact, I got quite busy working two jobs, and had to learn to set my limits. As always. These lessons - they keep coming back.

2011 - where will it take me? I have no idea. I've got some hope - some interesting ideas. Looking for some direction, trying to be open.  I suppose whatever happens, I'll keep you posted!

Also, December 18th marked the eighth year I've had this blog. That seems a bit nutty. I was 18 when I started it, and I'm 26 now. I feel like so much has changed - I look back on my 18-year-old self thinking, "My god, I was so young!"

But yeah - thanks to you readers, for reading. For leaving comments. I get so much from your feedback and from knowing I have an audience.

May the New Year bring you many, many good things - peace and happiness and downtime and love. See you there!

because life goes on

 

despite the rain,
despite the leaking chimney that I have lately been calling "an asshole" or a jerk,
despite being sick and needing antibiotics and missing the last two days of work before
our week's vacation,
(including the pizza party and the card giving and the wellwishing)
and now being groggy because of the antibiotics, making me feel even slower than normal, even more tired than I was, which then makes me anxious (is it happening again? what will ever become of me?) -
despite my bedroom being an un-cozy mess - because the of the chimney leaving a flood zone across it, and having to move things to higher ground or out of the room
despite feeling like my whole life is a mess - nothing where it is meant to be, goals and dreams from ten years ago abandoned, each day a new "adventure" of learning what anxiety and depression are going to teach me -

because it is the time of darkness and we all need to gather together around lights
because none of us know when we'll die, or what will become of our life
because of friends, on telephones. friends, offering visits and little presents.
because of "ninjabread" men that friends make.
because of tiny Christmas trees that one of the family mustered up the energy to get, cut down, bring in, decorate.
because of a family doctor who is busy, but yet kind, kind enough that I cry in his office.

because of a walk last week to the Bell Museum to take photos, in the windy dark with a full moon looming over the lake - and walking there, with my camera, I felt "this is who I am, this feels like ME". 

because of all this. despite all of it, too. Merry Christmas. Out of darkness, into light. Let's go.