and now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

...The First Annual Huminbean Pie Chart Awards!

The judges have made their decisions, after a long deliberation in which Bernard Lord and Benoit Lapierre resorted to speaking French so that pesky God fella couldn't understand. Then God came back with some nasty comeback in Aramaic that really pissed the others off. When I finally got them all to calm down and have a few Wildcats, they were ready to deliver their verdict.

We'll start with the runners-up...

In the category of "You Can't Enter, Silly, But Don't Feel Bad!", the winner is.... Leah Noble! And she wins a fantastic CBC mug.



In the category of "Keep Digging, Honey", the winner is...Chris! And he wins this fantastic golden shovel award, for his entertaining vision of women's views towards him.



In the category of "Best Entry to Mention Bernard Lord" (and I'm not saying who wanted this category put in, ahem), the winner is...Marlo! And she wins a date with Bernard Lord and all his friends.



Now for the legitimate categories!

The "Most Crass" inevitably goes to ...Kevin Lionais! And the award is a plaster cast of a baby's bum! Good on you, Kevin. And please, never tell me which parts make up the 18% that has waded through.. your own.. poo.



The "Most Intelligent" goes to... Laura! For dealing with her upstairs neighbours in a calm and constructive fashion, rather than bringing them a big stick and showing them just how to walk softly with it. For her rationality and presence of mind, she wins a big thumbs-up from .. this guy!



The Golden Gumboot is awarded to Andrew, for best mention of gumboots in an entry, because not only is the idea of him wearing only this item of clothing oddly enticing, but also ... gross. We invite him to try eating KD out of THIS gumboot!



And Best Overall... drum roll please...
Janice Fuller!
For her witty and conclusive sociological analysis of the Huminbean readership. I have seen those angry apes in my dreams and it is not pretty! And for her to track down a professor at St. Ehwha University is truly dedicated scholarship. It is for this that the judges gave her points... plus Bernard Lord thinks she's cute.

The award for this category is pretty sweet. Not only do you get a Mr. Bean Pez toy:



...but you also get a visit from me wearing the bean costume:



AND a year's supply of whoopie pies!



I invite all the winners to put on their best gown/tuxedo and make a speech--it's not like the Oscars, we don't have to go to a commercial break. Get drunk! Thank your Mom and Dad! The floor is yours...

to the honorable ex-premier

Dear Bernard Lord,

We are writing to express our sympathies for your recent loss of employment as premier of the province. While we realize you are still in control of a seat of the Legislative Assembly, it is likely that this fundamental change in your life will shake you up, and we would like to extend an offer of friendship to you. We reside at __ ___________________, Fredericton, NB, and always consider our door open to those who are down on their luck, especially those whose images we already have on our walls, looking at us with loving compassion.

Our offer rests on several conditions, however, which you must meet in order to get our full and undying understanding and hospitality. We realize that you will not find them hard to meet, but we list them nonetheless. They are as follows:

1) You must make the drive across the river to our domicile on an ATV (All-Terrain Vehicle), as per the illustration below. See how happy this rider looks? ATVs are probably the best thing to ride, especially if you are unemployed. However, please take side streets on your way here, as we would not want to alert the police.


2) As you are riding your ATV, drink 3 cans of a 6-pack of Wildcat. We require that you show up at our door holding said 6-pack by one of the plastic loops (which one in particular is not important), and that the missing cans have been (a) drunk by yourself on your transportation device and (b) been dropped by the roadside on the way.


3) When you walk in the door, we will only allow entry if you are wearing sweatpants and preferably a matching, but stained, top. We use the following illustration simply to show what sweatpants are, exactly, but do not expect you to resemble the male model. In fact, it is more to our guidelines if you drink several 12-packs of Wildcat in preparation and develop a substantial and respectable beer belly.


4) Optional: mullet.


We are confident that you will not find these requirements difficult to understand, but if you do, please feel free to contact us further at (___) ___-____. We are looking forward to welcoming you to our home the way we have your image above our dehumidifier, which guides our daily actions simply with the look in its brown, compassionate eyes.

Sincerely,

___________