Wednesday, November 10, 2010

make me human. keep me humble.

It's my own fault, really. I read blogs of women who are accomplished photographers and graphic designers, and then when it comes time for my own weekly blog post, I feel

inadequate and

like I've got nothing to show.

Plus most of the time these days I find I walk around with less-than-inspiring thoughts. Tired, just-want-to-get-out-of-my-work-clothes-and-curl-up-with-a-chick-lit-novel-and-escape thoughts. Lately it's been hitting me, over and over like a dodgeball, or - what was that ball called that was attached to a rope, that was attached to a pole, and it would spin around and you'd hit it? Whatever that ball was called, my thoughts are like that these days. Spinning back around, hitting me again.

Here's what keeps coming back at me - you're human, kid.

You'd have thought I would KNOW this. My blog is called "humin bean" for goodness' sakes. And it's not like I'm some other species. But it seems that I go around thinking I'm supposed to be better than human, that I'm supposed to always be thinking inspired, powerful, grounded and sensible thoughts. Or getting my life "figured out", as if a person's LIFE can be summed up and then conquered by a really great PLAN.

But instead of always being some super-human, inspired and positive radiant being, a good portion of the time I'll feel cranky, irritable, annoyed at things. Or jealous of other people's success. Or seriously putting off looking at my financial stuff. (I really, really hate budgeting, it seems. It makes me really uncomfortable to sit down with my papers and a calculator and crunch numbers.) Or just down on myself.

And every time I think something along those lines, a voice pipes up with hey, you're human, kid. As in, cut yourself some slack. Every single person out there feels the same way sometimes. It's all a part of the thing called life, and life wouldn't be normal without these feelings.

Still though, I forget. I ignore the truth. Then the dodgeball - or whatever it was called - comes spinning around the pole again. Have compassion for yourself. Smack. Smack. Smack.

So when it comes to posting on my blog, I need to remember: not only am I human, but I'm allowed to write whatever the heck I want. It doesn't have to be some amazing photo shoot of really interesting and beautiful things, or an inspired re-telling of a fantastic event, or even a creative interpretation of day-to-day stuff. It can just be - this.

And that feels brave.


Clocks fell backward and we returned to Standard Time. Now when I am done work at 5 pm, it's dark out. It always feels like a surprise, this time of year. The darkness coming on at 4 pm - right now, in fact - like an invitation to go to bed early. To snuggle up, to wear drawstring velour pants. To breathe out. To realize, the year is almost over, and that's OK.

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