enough.

When is enough, enough?

When do you decide, "OK, that's it. I have to change something"?

Last night I got home from work. I'd worked from 8 am to 5 pm at the marina, then from 6 pm to 8 pm at the library. I was tired. Beat out. I didn't feel quite IN my body, if that makes sense. I felt like my brain was both buzzing and revved, and at the same time aching for sleep.

I tried to do some relaxation. I had to make my lunch for the next day. I tried not to snap at my family. Knowing I had to get up the next day at 6 am and do it all over again was stressing me out. WHEN am I going to have time that's just mine, all mine? Do I really have to specifically take time off from work in order to have a break? That's foolish!

It was 10 pm. Suddenly it was 10 pm. The day had rushed by and now I was trying to relax enough to get some sleep. Actually, it was more like I knew I had to FIT IN sleep so I could be rested and wake up the next day and do more work. And the longer I stayed up thinking about it all, the less time I was actually sleeping. And the more tired I would be the next day - and in anticipation, my blood pressure rose a little more, a little more. AI AI AI!!

Out of curiosity I looked back in my dayplanner to find the day I resigned from the library job. August 24th. I counted forward, one - two - three - four - FIVE weeks ago. OK, that's enough.

I'm so done. Tomorrow, I'm letting them know. I don't care if I feel bad, that I'm leaving them in the lurch. I just can't do this anymore. Working two jobs is crazy, and I've definitely helped them out while they look for someone new. Five weeks. FIVE WEEKS. If the remaining staff has to take on extra shifts to cover it - oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but - THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

I ended up getting to sleep. I woke up today, I made the necessary calls. I'm done, I'm done. Tonight is my last night at the library. It's coming two or three weeks earlier than I thought - so that's a bit odd. But, entirely OK.

As I shelve the books, as I chat with patrons using the computers, as I do the procedures I've been trained to do and can now do so quickly - I'm thinking, it's the last time, it's the last time.

Maybe I'll be sad later.

Right now, though, I'm just RELIEVED.

***

I took pictures of a dinner party I attended on Saturday, and that was my intended post for this week, so perhaps I'll get them done sometime this weekend. I think I've mentioned these feasts on here before - these are done by a local chef, there are six courses and it's all (mostly) local foods. And, each month is a different theme. You pay what you can (I usually pay $40, that seems to be the average). You can bring your own wine. You sit around a table with 14-18 other people, some of whom you know. It's a great time.

***

Isn't it odd, this practice of sharing one's personal life on the Internet? How do you decide what to put in, and what to leave out? What's the truth? What draws us to reading personal blogs, to learning all about people we may not ever meet?

I think about this, sometimes.

There are certain blogs that really inspire me, that are like reading a book, only every day or every few days you get a new chapter. Like a "serial" in a newspaper from long ago. These blogs - and the women who write them - have come to mean a lot to me. Their ideas and colors and creativity make me feel like my own day-to-day life means something too, like I can also be this creative and colorful and bold. I suppose that if this blog, and I, do that for at least a handful of people, then there's a reason for it existing.

Sometimes the thought of posting is stressful. ("What will I write about? But what if it's not perfect?") But I'm also still drawn to this form, to this blog. Very much so. This year, in December, will be the eighth year I've been writing this blog. Save for a month or so in 2007 when I was ill, I've posted pretty much every week, sometimes more often.

OK. This is where my steam is running out, for now.

That's ... enough.