Saturday, September 30, 2006

to the honorable ex-premier

Dear Bernard Lord,

We are writing to express our sympathies for your recent loss of employment as premier of the province. While we realize you are still in control of a seat of the Legislative Assembly, it is likely that this fundamental change in your life will shake you up, and we would like to extend an offer of friendship to you. We reside at __ ___________________, Fredericton, NB, and always consider our door open to those who are down on their luck, especially those whose images we already have on our walls, looking at us with loving compassion.

Our offer rests on several conditions, however, which you must meet in order to get our full and undying understanding and hospitality. We realize that you will not find them hard to meet, but we list them nonetheless. They are as follows:

1) You must make the drive across the river to our domicile on an ATV (All-Terrain Vehicle), as per the illustration below. See how happy this rider looks? ATVs are probably the best thing to ride, especially if you are unemployed. However, please take side streets on your way here, as we would not want to alert the police.

2) As you are riding your ATV, drink 3 cans of a 6-pack of Wildcat. We require that you show up at our door holding said 6-pack by one of the plastic loops (which one in particular is not important), and that the missing cans have been (a) drunk by yourself on your transportation device and (b) been dropped by the roadside on the way.

3) When you walk in the door, we will only allow entry if you are wearing sweatpants and preferably a matching, but stained, top. We use the following illustration simply to show what sweatpants are, exactly, but do not expect you to resemble the male model. In fact, it is more to our guidelines if you drink several 12-packs of Wildcat in preparation and develop a substantial and respectable beer belly.

4) Optional: mullet.

We are confident that you will not find these requirements difficult to understand, but if you do, please feel free to contact us further at (___) ___-____. We are looking forward to welcoming you to our home the way we have your image above our dehumidifier, which guides our daily actions simply with the look in its brown, compassionate eyes.



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