mlle. h. bean

A More Refined Whine

Am I whining online because I'm premenstrual, or because I'm just having a bad day? As one who lives in this skin, I know the feeling of PMS and this is it. So that answers that question. Am I ticked because I feel 'fat', or is it because I feel out of sync in this town, this body, today? Is it because Eli won't post in my comments? Is it because it feels like spring and there's parties happening all around and I'm not at any of them? Is it because I'm too young by 2 weeks to get into any of the clubs, and I really want to go dancing? Is it because I saw someone today, around whom I made a complete fool of myself a little while ago, and nearly ran into someone else's cigarette trying to change direction so I could avoid being seen by him?* (Gotta love my grammer.) Is it because my just-washed hair did ugly things with itself in public? Is it because my PMS-face is breaking out? Is it bigger than those little things, is it that during WSSF I feel very out of place and alone, especially on the verge of leaving, with some of my friends gone already? The verdict has just come in, the jury has just read out their decision: PMS is coloring everything a nasty shade of blue.

Then there are the happy things of today, that I have to force myself to recognize: that crazy grove of huge cedars on the walk into town that I discovered today, trees so monstrous it is hard to describe being in thier company. You feel a distinct force there, and then most of them are leaning precariously over the Fitzsimmons, with only thier root systems holding them in the ground. I sat on a root of one of them and got my butt wet and let my eyes drink in the other 3 or 4 in front of me. I can't at this moment describe them.

There's something about whining on the Internet as opposed to one's journal: at once more public and feeling like it has to be more polished. Maybe I'll go drown my sorrows in Tom Robbins. Hey Eli--word up, yo.

*This would be blind-date-boy.