Thursday, May 27, 2010

So it basically always comes back to this.

There is too much to do in life. But in a good way. Like, there are too many places in the world I want to visit - Tahiti, Antarctica, Sicily, Newfoundland - than I will ever have time for. (Although it's likely I can make Newfoundland again in this lifetime, since it's only a ferry ride away.)

There are too many books to read. Too many musicians to fall in love with and listen to and have their music imbue a part of my life. Too many recipes to cook, creative projects to start and follow through, too many blogs to read. (Oh, WAY too many blogs to read.)

(Too many carpets to vacuum, dishes to do, meals to cook, laundry loads to do, garden beds to ready, gas tanks to fill, errands to run, et cetera...)

Life has been stressful. At least, yesterday was. I found myself feeling really f-ing stressed at work, and really, over nothing. I mean, there were lots of somethings - lots of little somethings all coming at me at once - and that's what gets stressful, when you have to constantly be reorganizing your brain as to what's priority. When they ALL feel like they're the priority? Like, they ALL need to be done right-the-fuck-NOW? That's stressful.

I did my best. I don't think anyone there knew how stressed I was feeling, because I kept on smiling and giving out happiness to anyone who came through the door. Acting laid back and cool. Inside my head, though, it felt like my brain was going "OK hold the fuck on here people - how on earth do you expect me to remember ALL THIS?!? And do it RIGHT NOW?? I think I'm going to go on strike until you get things UNDER CONTROL." And then it started turning to mush.

I left work and wasn't sure if I needed to cry or stare into space for a full hour or WHAT. I drove to the Co-Op (my town's grocery store) and sat in the parking lot, waiting for my brother to be done work. I took off my sneakers and realized that that morning (which at that point felt like it might have been a few days ago) I had been smart and put my sandals in the car. The day had ended up warming up and so my now-bare feet had something to drive home in, something that wasn't sweaty sneakers. A bit of relief.

I ended up going to the pool. I went home to change clothes, drop off my brother, and get a bit of food, enough to tide me over. I didn't interact very much with either Mum or Mat, which might make them upset ("She's always so grumpy, she never interacts with us!") but oh well. My brain was in rapid shut-down mode. I needed to get the heck away from anything resembling responsibility.

So, the pool. It was everything I wanted it to be, and more. It was all-by-myself, floating, swimming, pushing and pushing at the water, doing laps and kind of not even realizing where I was until I forced myself to think, "Here I am, notice it." My body just wanting to move, move, move, move. Not stop, not stop. Push it all out. Go, go, swim, swim, SWIM. Be alone, process the day and all that happened, come to conclusions. Take all the pieces out, lay them on the mental "floor" and sort them.


Really, forgive the caps, but I'm taking a page out of Kal's book on this one. Sometimes words need to be emphasized.

Now here it is, the next day. Morning time. 7 am, and I'm about to go get ready and be off to work, to another work day. I've slept, a nice huge load of sleep. (I went to bed at - no kidding - 9:30. It felt really, really good.) I'm feeling - better. I've remembered that not everything has to get done. That yeah, there ARE more things to do in life than will ever, ever get done, so back off a little. Pull back in a little. Look at what is healthy for you, for your schedule. Cut out what you just plain old don't have time for. And realize, remember, put it in writing if you need to: THAT'S OK.

(Part of me feels like, "Man, all I ever write about these days on my blog is time management and stress." But that's what I'm thinking about these days, and since a blog really is just about the writer's head and heart and life, then that's what we get.)

Here's a random thought to end things with. Something I've been thinking lately. You know what's neat about spring? You don't have to do anything and it still happens. You really don't have to do a damn thing, and the trees will still come out of dead-mode and bear leaves. And then those leaves will grow, unfurling like miniature, damp-green sails from every point of what were just dead-looking sticks. It's truly amazing, and no photograph could capture this ever-startling CHANGE.

Oh and on the subject of photographs: I'm still waiting on my camera. That picture above is from May 9th of last year. Oh, well. Soon, soon. (OH God I miss my camera! It's like someone took away paper and pencil and I haven't been able to WRITE. Well, maybe not quite that bad. But close.)

Blog Archive